Excuse my rambling, feelings built up at 3:30a after no sleep but I need this relief.
Some days I feel like super mom, like I was made specifically to be a mommy. Then night comes, and every night, I get so anxious about putting my daughter to sleep and I question how I’ll ever survive. Some people may laugh that off, say, “No baby sleeps, but they’re cute!” So I deny what I’m feeling and cry until baby falls asleep, usually around 6am and I have to be up shortly anyways. I ask people, “Why won’t she sleep?” And they tell me a variety of things but ultimately joke about it because they’ve been there during those sleepless nights.
I feel stupid or embarrassed for not being able to handle motherhood like I expected. People also say to that, “No one is prepared, you’re fine.” I’m denied my true feelings because everyone has been there and it’ll be over soon. At what point do you get to actually believe something is wrong with you?
Trying to balance working, being a part time stay at home mom, with a husband who works almost 24/7 it feels like. But I’m not allowed to be frustrated and feel overwhelmed because everyone else has already been in my shoes and everyone else has advice to give you, whether it’s good or bad.
I feel guilty for thinking the things I do. To be honest, I have said to myself that I didn’t want to do this anymore. Ellorie would be better off with another mommy. I don’t know why I can’t do this. I have had ugly thoughts about the things God has blessed me so abundantly with. And then my baby girl wakes up and smiles at me, my heart swells and sinks at the same time because of the guilt I feel for the things I thought.
And then, everyone tells me that it’s fine to ask for rest, they reassure me that it’s ok for mommy time but I can’t seem to let go of the thought that I’m already a bad mom for the things I’ve said to myself the night before so I don’t deserve it. I feel guilty for having people babysit her because it feels selfish if I need some rest. It feels selfish that I prayed so much for this child that I can’t even take care of on my own.
To actually submit to these feelings, to have believed these things about myself for the past few weeks but not let anyone know was dumb. I should have spoken to Adam more, I should have let someone know about my anxiety attacks at night. But I couldn’t, I was too busy trying to keep up the Super Mom persona because, like I said, I had prayed for this baby girl.
I thought I was pretty well informed about postpartum depression, family has experienced this and they have spoken about it. I was in denial because at 7mpp, how could I just now be feeling this?
I had a total break down one night after dealing with a child who itches and cries because it hurts and she can’t rest either. I explained everything to Adam, he called my doctor and scheduled me an appointment to talk about my issues. I am now on regular medication with some relief medication for anxiety attacks.
I still have these anxiety attacks because I worry about how people will see me as a mom taking these pills. (Why do we as moms have to feel judged for EVERY decision we make?!?!) I had an attack tonight while my daughter has screamed her head off because we’re switching to a formula that she hates the taste of, her tummy hurts, and she still itches intensely. I feel helpless because nothing I do consoles her sometimes.
Motherhood is so hard, it’s so wonderful but it’s so hard. Writing this is hard because I’m afraid anyone who reads this will judge me. They will say I don’t deserve my daughter.
She’s finally asleep at 4am and I’m crying silently in my bed as Adam sleeps. He has to work in the morning and doesn’t need to be woken up so I’d rather write my feelings. I’m getting better though, I think. My parents are aware and Adam is constantly checking to make sure I rest.
If you feel like this, please don’t deny it. Don’t believe the lie Satan is telling you. Even if it’s just sleep deprivation, ask for help, talk to someone. I should have been more open with Adam rather than trying to fight my own battle every night. It’s not selfish to need mommy time. I’m still learning to deal with this but having people to support me helps.